im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
