i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
