I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
