I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
