so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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