If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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