girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He uses pillows to masturbate.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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