wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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