do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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