I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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