i wish my penis had a tongue
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Rumble strips road head = magical
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
