I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
