Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
