life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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