My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
