walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize