dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize