Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
How does it feel to date your dad?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
