The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize