Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
