Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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