when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
