Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
