I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
