I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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