i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
