Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
