Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
