they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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