I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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