Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
As shirtless as possible
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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