he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
