toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
time to smoke my breakfast
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
