I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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