Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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