The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
