Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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