When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Vodka?
Forever.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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