how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
