I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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