apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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