I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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