so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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