I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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