Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
