I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
