You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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