Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
