Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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