You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
