Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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