I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
