Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
