That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
