I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
