If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
