I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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