I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
